My mom is very wise - I didn't always think so when I was a kid, but I can now look back on all those gold nuggets of information she gave me, and see how they fit into real-life situations... including relationships! Here are a few (ten) of my favorites:
1. Use your inside voice.
Yelling at your partner is a sure-fire way to get nothing accomplished. Yell, and you’ll probably get yelling in return. Speak in a calm manner, and there’s a good chance your demeanor will be reciprocated. Even if it’s not, at least with you staying calm the situation most likely won’t escalate, and you will be the “bigger” person in the end. It’s hard to fight with someone that won’t fight back; keep up the calm, and tempers will stay down.
2. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
Ok, so I’m not a fan of saying nothing, but this is a great reminder that there’s a constructive way to address a problem, and there’s a deconstructive way. For starters, never broach the subject with your partner when you’re angry. When upset, there is a very good chance that you’re going to say something not so nice. Give yourself time to cool off, and you’ll be less likely to say things you don’t mean (or worse, things you cannot take back). Then, make sure to focus on how these actions or words are making you feel; never point fingers and place blame on others. For example, if you feel as though you are not getting enough one-on-one time with your partner, explain that you really enjoy spending time with him, and open up a dialogue about how you could schedule time in the near future. The wrong way? Be sure to not say that you’re being ignored, and cut down the activities he is doing instead of spending the time with you.
3. Treat others as you would want to be treated.
This one is a given, not many would disagree with this statement. However, that being said, I am time and time again amazed at how women and men treat each other so poorly, and then become so furious when treated the same. Take note of how you’re treating others – especially when it makes them angry in return – and consider a different approach. Better yet, take note of when others make you angry, and think back to if you’re ever guilty of treating others in a similar manner. We all have our hot buttons, and we all push other’s buttons, but being aware is the first step; the next step is to take action.
4. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Probably more of an issue for women (you know who you are), but it does apply to both sexes. “Is anything wrong?”…… “No, I’m fine.”…… “Fine? That doesn’t sound good.”…… “I said I’m fine.” Why doesn’t he believe you? Because your tone and body language do not match your words! Why do we have to make conversations so confusing? If something is bothering you, go ahead and say so (keeping in mind #2 above); and on the flip side, if something is great, say that also. The more honest you are with your partner, and the more you make it known that you will voice your feelings when they arise, the less questioning there will be of your statements. And don’t forget to voice both the good and the bad!
5. Try it, just once, and I won’t make you try it again if you don’t like it.
Okay, so this can be given dirty references, but overall I like this quote because variety is the spice of life, and variety cannot be had if new experiences are not tried. From food to activities to people, try something new once in a while! On your own, or with your partner! Go try out the new Indian restaurant that everyone has been raving about, or schedule a skydiving lesson. Pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone can be great, as long as you are staying safe and not doing anything that goes against your moral code. Don’t be afraid of new things!
6. You can’t judge a book by its cover.
Holy moly is this true, I wish I had taken this more to heart when I was a youngster. I have learned through the years that first impressions, as powerful as they are, do not a person make. I have met so many people over the years that have surprised me by being not as they appear. Malcom Gladwell, in one of my favorite books: Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, said that “The answer is that we are not helpless in the face of our first impressions. They may bubble up from the unconscious – from behind a locked door inside of our brain – but just because something is outside of awareness doesn't mean it's outside of control.” What a wise man! Fight off those first impressions, and make it a priority to get to know someone before deciding on who they are and what they’re all about.
7. Saying nothing can be just as bad as lying.
There is a lot of truth to this statement. Just because you’re not lowered to having to lie about something, this does not mean you’re being honest. And just because your partner might not suspect this dishonesty, this does not mean that you’re in the clear. Relationships are built on honesty, and dishonesty is wrecking ball of relationships. Be honest and upfront about your slip-ups, and it’s ok to expect the same from your partner. Better yet, avoid the slip-ups altogether!
8. Talk the talk and walk the walk.
Practice what you preach. Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap. Whichever version of this quote you have heard, they all boil down to the same idea: anyone can talk about doing something, but those that are doing instead of just talking will get further in life. Those that talk and do not “do,” are seen as boasters, procrastinators, and even insincere. A person who can talk the talk AND walk the walk are very appealing, and can come across as fun and genuine.
9. You can’t change anyone but yourself.
This is a valuable lesson that I still am learning. While you may find your partner, coworker, boss, family member, [insert person here] so frustrating, the reality is you will not be changing that person. All you can do is change your approach to that person, and see if you can change a bad situation into a good (or at least tolerable) one. If you don’t like how someone is talking to you or treating you, you will do well to remember that you won’t be changing this. What you can change is your reaction. Keep your cool, and always keep in mind that there may be things going on with that other person that you don’t know about.
10. Always wear clean underwear, just in case you are in an accident.
I had to throw this one in there; after all, I do think it is important to have good hygiene! No one wants an unclean partner. On a more serious note, though, I take this phrase a bit further because so many adults have given up on “dressing up.” Dressing up isn’t only reserved for dinner dates and weddings – I see making yourself look your best for work, friends, family, or even just a day of shopping as equally important. Looking good does a lot for feeling good, and feeling good does a lot for one’s relationship. When you look good and feel good about yourself, you become more of a desirable person. So take a shower, put on some clean undies, and make yourself beautiful/handsome for whatever the day may bring!
By Angela Jolee for Invitation Only Matchmaking