Throughout my single years, I did a lot of dating. Online dating, to be exact, because I didn’t have friends who knew great single guys for me, and I did not want to date anyone from work (big, big no-no). Most of the dates were quite unsuccessful (to put it mildly), and I can count on one hand those that made it to a second date. Actually, I can count on two fingers those who made it to a second date, because there were only two of them. In the matchmaking business, I also hear a lot of stories from friends, clients, even strangers – all with similar stories of dates they have been on that were unsuccessful… and even sometimes painful.
I’ve put together a nice list below of the types of men I met through online dating. I realize I am putting it in a comically-amusing format (which is my style), but it’s really meant to be a reminder to men as to what women are not attracted to (and vice versa). While these might be extreme situations, a lot of us (men and women) have been guilty of one of these, or had a date who exhibited these behaviors.
The love-sick date. Have you ever had a man pronounce his love for you on the first date? It is extremely uncomfortable, and honestly… it is not believable. Most people do not believe in love at first sight, and for those who do believe in it and fall in love on the first date, it is very awkward for the other party if the feeling isn’t mutual. I do, however, believe in lust at first sight, and it is not to be mistaken with love! I went on a first date one time where the man kept showering me with compliments, pronounced that he could already tell he was falling in love with me, serenaded me with a lovely freestyle rap he thought of just for me, and wanted to hold my hand and suggested we “make out.” Too much. For quality women, physical affection is not ok on the first date – play it safe, guys: keep your hands to yourself throughout the date, and give a goodbye hug at the end of the night.
The it’s-all-about-me date. Yes, some people are very impressive. Very, very impressive. I’ll tell you what, though, it is more attractive to learn your awesomeness a little at a time, especially seeing it instead of hearing about it. If you talk the entire date about yourself, interrupt me when I try to talk, and then ask me questions that you clearly don’t want to know the answers to, then you should probably just go on a date with a big mirror. Even if you are all that and a bag of chips, tone it down on the date and let her get a word in edgewise. Practice pauses, ask questions, genuinely listen to her answers, and comment accordingly.
The non-talker date. This is the opposite of “the it’s-all-about-me date.” It’s like pulling chicken teeth… getting the non-talker to talk, that is. A date should have conversation – it’s not a presentation by me. This is especially hard for me, being the extrovert that I am… I fill in silence with anything I can, and I end up just rambling, rambling, rambling. If you aren’t comfortable talking on a date, you need to practice! Look up good first date questions, ask them in front of a mirror, and you might even know someone who could set you up on a practice date. Force yourself to ask questions, listen to the answers, and then reply with more than one sentence. Also, never decline to answer a question on a first date – you will appear to be secretive, snobby, or just plain uncooperative. If it’s a hot button topic, or if you are uncomfortable for whatever reason, I urge you to give a short, positive, and possibly vague answer, and then move on to the next topic (possibly asking a different question after your reply).
The imposter date. The picture he posted online was a handsome, fit, very polished man… so who is this I’m now sitting in front of?? I hear all the time from singles stories about this: “He posted pictures from 20 years ago,” or “She put up photographs when she was 200 pounds lighter.” We need to portray ourselves as we are, folks. If you say you are one way and you are not that way, your date will soon find out, and will not be happy. No one wants to be duped. If you don’t present yourself in an honest way, it sets the tone to dishonesty at minute 1 of your relationship, and you can expect it to not progress any further.
The financially-challenged date. I’ll never forget the first date I went on where a man asked me to go to the drag races with him. I thought – hmm, I have never been to the drag races, it might be fun. Pulling up to the entry gate, the man at the booth said “that’ll be 10 bucks each.” My date looks at me, and says “you got 10 bucks for your ticket??” Astonished, I reached into my purse and pulled out $10… and vowed to never go out with him again. It was not that I couldn’t afford the $10 – but I’m old-fashioned! I have no problem paying down the road, or paying if the date was my idea, but don’t ask me out and then ask me to cough up an entry fee! I was not looking to have my partner pay my way the entire time we are together (and most women aren't), I was just looking to have a first date with a chivalrous man who had some manners. If you ask a woman out and expect her to pay her way (unless it is agreed upon ahead of time), do not expect her to go out with you again. And if you cannot afford to take a woman out, perhaps you should wait to date until you can. Financial stability is attractive.
The completely-inappropriate date. This category is for the variety of awkward dates that do not fit in to a category listed above. Have you ever showed up to meet your date and he’s drunk? I have! I don’t care how nervous you are, people, DO NOT drink before a date! Your chances are very slim with this being ok with your date (and trust me, one drink can make you smell like alcohol). Have you ever showed up to meet your date only to find out that he does not have a car (because of DUI issues, he just does not own one, or both)? And he was hoping you would give him a ride home after the date? I have! Again, slim changes of this being ok with your date. How about the date who was given way too much change after paying for dinner, and then acted like he won the lottery? Been there, too! From poor hygiene to bad manners, there are a variety of behaviors that can be a major turn off for your date.
You have one chance to get this right, so give it your best effort!
By Angela Jolee for Invitation Only Matchmaking
(Stay tuned for Ken Brian's take on dating from the guy's perspective!)